o n e s o n g

for the first time on vacation, i feel a part of me is missing.  i have never felt this way before, and i don’t know what is making this one different from the others, but something is not right.  something is not here that should be.

my immediate thoughts turn to matthew, and booker, and although i know they are a part of my heart that isn’t in the present, they are not all.  things are speeding up, the world is revolving faster, and today, for the first time, i got a little seasick.

i love my life and all that it contains.  i love my dog, my love, and my family.  i love myself and my books and allt he things that make me me.  but i saw a rainbow days ago, and since then i have realized that a time, a season of change is upon me, and that i am experiencing the change with ragged edges of my soul that have always been tucked away.  this is good for me, i know it is—i feel it in the thickness of my bones—but i have always rolled up and let the change wash over me, then immersed myself in its shocking salinity.  this time, it’s flowing around me, through me, running me ragged with the grit it contains.

it’s HARD.  all i want, at times, to do is to curl myself up into an unsuspecting ball, but i am too far gone for that.  i am too far out in the depths to pretend that i don’t know what’s happening; that i don’t know my prolouge is draining away and my now is carving its mark upon my skin.  it is too late to pretend, to let it happen and then shriek out with anger and shock at whomever is nearest and dearest with my surprise at all the sore places of difference i feel in myself.

it is good.  it is hard, but it is good.  i know, as i know that this is good, that i will recover from this a stronger and better woman becuase i will have felt the sharpness of the sand digging into my rotting places, scouring them clean, and i will know why the edges chose those as their target.

it is hard.

the moon is so bright

The Power of Makeup

sarahchristine:

Because deep down, I really want to be just like Mary Rambin! Don’t we all…? Seriously: don’t know why I took these, killin’ nerves before the interview, gave myself plenty of time, whatever. But I took them then marvelled at the comparison. Behold:

Without makeup, and with my velcro rollers in:

Freckles, zits, really looking my age…

One more:

Okay and then with makeup, hair down:

There’s a reason I pay for a lot for makeup, especially concealer. And I wasn’t wearing lipstick, no clue why my lips are that color.

Wearing my outfit (sans jacket), after my hair fell a little:

Wow. What a difference. I should wear makeup all the time. The only really important thing in that pic: Trish McEvoy concealer. It’s awesome.

Can I be on Nonsociety now???

you are like barbie except hotter and SMART.